A Gentleman's Domain

Not Well Met.

I posted a Thursday Thirteen a week or two ago about office-speak.  Several people were kind enough to comment and no one came to the defence of pretentious management twaddle.  There's a surprise!  I've had this in a dusty folder deep in the bowels of my computer for a year or two. I can't remember who sent it to me but whoever you are, thank you.  It is certainly accurate.  I'm sure most of us who have worked in offices have suffered through useless meetings which have been called to flatter the egos of managers who like to hear the sounds of their own voices.  I once worked with one who bought a telescopic pointer which he could keep in his breast pocket, pull out whenever he was giving a talk, extend to its full eighteen inches and point to various words he had written on his beloved flip chart, while the rest of us looked on through  glazed eyes and rapidly lost the will to live.
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Mind Your Keyboard, Not Your Language

Well now, here are a couple of things I have read about recently that may interest you.  Both to do with dirt, in one way or another.  Now, I have always thought of you lot as pretty clean – though one or two of you do have dirty minds, I’m glad to say.  But I’m wrong.  You are all positively wallowing in dirt and grime and, shock horror, germs.  So am I, probably.  We can’t help it – it’s just the way things are.  For an explanation, take a gander at this article and you’ll see what I mean.   Your keyboard is positively awash with germs and muck. 

When you think about it, it’s not really all that surprising.  People eat over their keyboards, they cough and sneeze – and who wipes their keyboard after a good sneeze?  In fact, who even puts their hand to their mouth to cover a cough when they are sitting alone at their computer (I do – but maybe I’m just odd.)?   Remarkably, many keyboards are far more germ infested than the average toilet seat.  You wouldn’t want to spend hours at a time rubbing your fingertips over a toilet seat, I’ll bet, but one thinks nothing of tapping away for ages at a qwerty disease incubator.  Next time you use a public computer, stop and think for a moment – you are about to plunge your fingertips into unknown quantities of germs and muck and dried spit and phlegm from legions of previous users!  You know those revolting commercials that show the cartoon fungus that can afflict people's toenails?  I tend to avert my gaze when that come on. Well, little monsters like that probably lurk under your caps lock key! And strangely enough, women are far dirtier then men in this respect.

The microbiologist quoted in the article recommends using alcohol wipes once in a while. I feel vindicated!  For a long time now I have been giving my keyboard the occasional once over with a Wet One – not because I was afraid of germs really, but because I like things to be clean – but I couldn’t help feeling a frisson of embarrassment as I did it, even though I was on my own.  Now, no such frisson will occur!  I will wipe boldly and proudly, imagining that I can hear the death screams of thousands of gems as I do so, confident that even if I haven’t exactly sterilized my keyboard it will at least be a bit cleaner than your average toilet seat.

And the other thing?  Well,  it concerns filthy language.  In many circumstances, I am all for it.  I hate mealy mouthed euphemisms almost as much as I hate bleeps on TV shows during adult viewing time.  In the heated environment of a high pressure workplace, bad language is often the lingua franca.  It was ever thus.  A person who makes copious use of it is one of my fave TV personalities at the moment, the chef Gordon Ramsay.  He swears a lot during “Hells’ Kitchen”   “Ramsay’s F-Word”  and both the British and American versions of “Kitchen Nightmares”  and you know what? The shows do not suffer one iota for it.  These are not children’s shows, and responsible parents should make sure there are no little ones watching.  The swearing is harmless, because it is suitable to the circumstances.

And then, as we read,  the Australians, of all people, have complained. Well, not every single Australian, of course. Just some dickhead politicians.  Ramsay’s shows are very popular there, and some people became concerned at the amount of swearing the man does.  Now, we all know that Australians have a worldwide reputation for being shy, delicate, unworldly and fragile and Senator Bernardi obviously wanted to protect the poor dears from verbal assault. Silly old git!   As if they needed it!  I’m glad to say, it transpires that Ramsay will be able to carry on as before.  As he says, if you don’t like it you can switch off. Watch something else – there’s a novel idea!  Content yourself with reruns of "Happy Days" or do some quilting.  Senator Bernardi is an example of that disgusting attitude of “I don’t like it so you can’t do it.”  and that’s what needs to be stamped out, not a bit of bad language.  Carry on with the fucking swearing, Chef!

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Electric Spaghetti

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Okay, well,  it’s all very nice to have a computer and all.  In fact on my desk here, I have a computer,  printer/scanner/fax, modem, wireless router, speakers, webcam, microphone, hi-fi, cassette recorder, USB extension, and desk light.  Mission control, pretty much.  It look pretty flash, I have to admit.  The downside is that behind the desk there is all this.

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It’s a good thing no one ever looks there but me!

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A Question For These Times

A Republican sent this to me, so things must be bad...


Question: How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: TEN.

1.  One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2.  One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3.  One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4.  One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor and standing on a step ladder, under the banner "Bulb Accomplished";

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally "in the dark" the whole time;

8. Another one to viciously smear # 7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.

And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb.

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Some shady characters

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Meme-ories Are Made Of This

I have been re-memed.  I did the 6 random things about me meme some weeks ago but then lovely Winter, with premeditation, tagged me to do it again.  It would be very easy simply to cut and paste the one I did last time, but I suppose that would be cheating.  Life is never as easy as it could be.  Okay, so…..

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1.    I counted my books yesterday.  Because I so often do booklists for my Thursday Thirteens, I am sometimes asked how many I own. Instead of estimating, I decided to do an actual count, and the total came to 1124.  That number will rise of course (I have at least 2 books on their way from Amazon at this very moment) but I can’t imagine that it will ever fall.

2.    I have no tattoos. Not surprising, really, because I find them utterly repulsive. I never saw one that was an improvement on the skin that it disfigured.

3.   In days gone by, I used to be able to read lying down – in bed, on the sofa etc.  These days I find that very uncomfortable. To enjoy reading, I need to be in a sitting position.  My favourite environment for reading is complete silence, though sitting in somewhere like, say, Starbucks, where there is ambient sound and music which I can tune out is almost as good (note to the management of the Starbucks in this town on the corner of 16th Ave and 13th St:  Your sound system is often set far too loud, and it can be very intrusive.  Change it, or I shall take my custom to the Starbucks on 39th Ave).

4.    Sometimes, when I am feeling nostalgic, I can’t help wondering if my schoolfriend G. ever found out that when he went off to college I had a wonderful one-nighter with his girlfriend H.  I should feel ashamed  but I don’t, because it was one the best nights of my life.

5.    I am impatient, critical, extremely vain and addicted to Amazon.    But I am honest enough to admit that I also have some faults too.

6.    I have a big collection of vintage jazz and hot dance on CDs, cassettes, LPs and best of all on the original 78rpm records.  Even though my area of interest is really 1917 to about 1941, the very first 78 I ever played in my life was from 1945.  It was “Skyliner” by Charlie Barnet & his Orch. and I am still very fond of it. . Again, I won’t tag anyone, but if you’d like to have a go please link back to here and let me know in a comment or e-mail that you’re doing so.

Six Unimportant Things

A week ago, Laura from The Safe Harbor tagged me for a meme.  It’s very simple, so even I can understand it.  All I have to do is share six non-important things/habits/quirks about myself.  Ok, that seem pretty straightforward…..

1)  I haven’t worn socks for over a year.  (Ah, Florida!)

2)  I leave the tea bag in the mug.  I like it strong. I get bog standard supermarket tea bags from England sent over because the stuff available locally tastes like something that came out of a camel.

3) I love fruitcake.

4) My cell phone is over 4 years old, doesn’t take photos or have a colour display. But that’s ok because I use it about once a week, for short calls.  I often tell myself I should upgrade, but then I ask myself why and I have no sensible answer

5) I own about 900 shellac 78rpm records.

6)  Some nevers.  I have never: eaten sushi, sung or even watched karaoke, played baseball, listened to or even seen a iPod,  attended a church wedding, ridden on a motorbike, been to Las Vegas.

I won’t tag anyone, but if you want to have a go, please feel free. Please link back to me and let me know you’re taking part.

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No Such Sweet News

Well, this may come as a shock to some of you.  Possibly you’ll even react in the traditional cycle of denial, anger and then acceptance.  Just don’t get angry with me. I am but a humble messenger, spreading news to those who may have missed it.  This could be important.  Chocolate, it seems, is bad for you.  Especially women.  Take a look at this if you don’t believe me.  If women eat chocolate they stand a greater chance of suffering from brittle bones in old age. So, if you don’t want to live a life of hip replacements and walking frames, you need to say sayonara to Snickers, kick out those Kisses, give the heave-ho to Hershey, toss out your Toblerone, cast aside your Cadbury, say “No more!” to Nestlé, and resign yourself to a chocolate-free existence.  You’ll feel all the better for it.  In your eighties and nineties, you’ll be striding out confidently, with strong, firm bones, unassailed by the fiendish chocolate.

Strangely enough, men, it seems, are not susceptible to the same depredation.  I suppose it’s the way our bodies are made differently.  Or maybe it’s just Mother Nature having a laugh at our expense.  I may be free to eat as much delicious choky as I want, without fear of my shin snapping if I roll over in bed, but as it happens I am indifferent to the stuff, and can go for days or weeks without having any and I don’t miss it at all.  It’s a funny old world.

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29 Levels of Moi

I saw PJ at the excellent Urban Recluse do this meme and so I decided, without the slightest qualms of conscience, to steal it.  There are 29 levels (I'm not sure why) and only on two levels do I end up with a complete set of blanks.  But I suppose there is still time to do some of the things I have so far left undone.  Others I have no wish to do at all.  And a few questions are irrlevant -- I am not now nor have I ever been a member of Facebook. I interpreted the questions absoutely literally and all my answers are true.

Level 1
(x) Smoked a cigarette.
(x) Smoked a cigar.
(x) Kissed a member of the same sex.
(x) Drank alcohol.

Level 2
(x) Are/been in love.
(x) Been dumped.
( ) Shoplifted.
(x) Been fired.
(x) Been in a fist fight.

Level 3
(x) Had a crush on an older person.
(x) Skipped school.
(x) Slept with a classmate.
(x) Seen someone/something die.

Level 4
( ) Had/have a crush on one of your friends who is now on Facebook.
(x) Been to Paris.
(x) Been to Spain.
(x) Been on a plane.
(x) Thrown up from drinking.

Level 5
( ) Eaten sushi.
( ) Been snowboarding.
( ) Met someone BECAUSE of Facebook.
( ) Been in a mosh pit.

Level 6
( ) Been in an abusive relationship.
(x) Taken pain killers.
(x) Love/loved someone who you can’t have.
(x) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by.
(x) Made a snow angel.

Level 7
(x) Had a tea party.
(x) Flown a kite.
(x) Built a sand castle.
( ) Gone mudding (offroading).
(x) Played dress up.

Level 8
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves.
(x) Gone sledging.
(x) Cheated while playing a game.
(x) Been lonely.
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school.

Level 9
(x) Watched the sun set.
(x) Felt an earthquake.
( ) Killed a snake.

Level 10
(x) Been tickled.
(x) Been robbed/vandalized.
(x) Been cheated on.
(x) Been misunderstood.

Level 11
(x) Won a contest.
( ) Been suspended from school.
(x)Had detention.
(x) Been in a car/motorcycle accident.

Level 12
(x) Had/have braces.
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night.
(x) Danced in the moonlight.

Level 13
( ) Hated the way you look.
(x) Witnessed a crime.
( ) Pole danced.
(x) Questioned your heart.
( ) Been obsessed with post-it-notes.

Level 14
(x) Squished barefoot through the mud.
(x) Been lost.
(x) Been to the opposite side of the world.
(x) Swam in the ocean.
( ) Felt like you were dying.

Level 15
( ) Cried yourself to sleep.
(x) Played cops and robbers.
( ) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers.
( ) Sang karaoke.
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins.

Level 16
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t.
(x) Made prank phone calls.
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose.
(x) Kissed in the rain.

Level 17
( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus.
(x) Watched the sun set/sun rise with someone you care/cared about.
(x) Blown bubbles.
(x) Made a bonfire on the beach or anywhere.

Level 18
(x) Crashed A Party.
( ) Have travelled more than 5 days with a car full of people.
(x) Gone rollerskating/blading.
(x) Had a wish come true.
(x) Slept with a member of the same sex.

Level 19
( ) Worn pearls.
( ) Jumped off a bridge.
( ) Screamed “penis” or “vagina”.
( ) Swam with dolphins.

Level 20
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer/ice cube.
( ) Kissed a fish.
(x) Worn the opposite sex’s clothes.
(x) Sat on a roof top.

Level 21
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs.
( ) Done/attempted a one-handed cartwheel.
(x) Talked on the phone for more than six hours (in one day).
( ) Recently stayed up for a while talking to someone you care about.

Level 22
( ) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree.
(x) Climbed a tree.
(x) Had/been in a tree house.
( ) Been scared to watch scary movies alone.

Level 23
(x) Believed in ghosts.
( ) Have had more than thirty pairs of shoes (not necessarily all at once).
( ) Gone streaking.
(x) Visited jail.

Level 24
( ) Played chicken.
( ) Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on.
(x) Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger.
( ) Broken a bone.
(x) Been easily amused.

Level 25
( ) Caught a fish then ate it later.
( ) Made a porn video.
( ) Caught A butterfly.
(x) Laughed so hard you cried.
( ) Cried so hard you laughed.

Level 26
(x) Mooned/flashed someone.
(x) Had someone moon/flash you.
(x) Cheated on a test.
(x) Forgotten someone’s name.
( ) French braided someone’s hair.
(x) Gone skinny dipping.
( ) Been kicked out of your house.
( ) Tried to hurt yourself.

Level 27
(x) Rode a roller coaster.
(x) Went scuba-diving/snorkelling.
(x) Had a cavity.
( ) Black-mailed someone.
( ) Been black mailed.

Level 28
(x) Been used.
(x) Fell going up the stairs.
( ) Licked a cat.
( ) Bitten someone.
( ) Licked someone - not in private places…

Level 29
(x) Been shot at/or at gunpoint.
(x) Had sex in the rain.
( ) Flattened someone’s tires.
(x) Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on.
( ) Got five dollars or less worth of gas.

Please help yourself to this meme if you want to have a go -- but remember: honest answers only!

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Pet Pleasures

The other day, Infinity Goods tagged me for a pet meme.  Okay, I’ll bite.   The rule is, I have to write seven random facts about my pets, and then tag seven people myself.  Let’s see now….

1.   I used to have a goldfish called Fishface when I was about twelve. I won him at a hoopla stall at the Hampstead Fair and bore him home with pride in a plastic bag full of water. He has long since died been called to the giant fishbowl in the sky (via the regular sized toilet bowl in the bathroom).

2.   My mother used to breed Great Danes, so I grew up with these lovely gentle giants.

3.   My young nephew found a crab on the beach at Shanklin, Isle of Wight, some years ago and it took my sister and me quite a while to persuade him that his plan to put it in a box and take it home as a pet was not a good idea, and wouldn’t have been very kind to the crab.

4.   We have three cats now.  One of them likes to sleep on his back which shows how domesticated he is. No cat in the wild would ever do that.  I took a picture of him and used it a header for a Thursday Thirteen.

5.   I don’t believe that cats can talk, or even write blogs, though one of ours does seem to have been writing limericks when I wasn’t looking.

6.   One of our cats has outsize front paws.

7.   We have a hamster too.  I didn’t want one, but after ceaseless bullying from my wife, and my daughter who was visiting, I caved in and they chose a Chinese dwarf hamster.  My wife was delighted.  It turns out that the hamster can’t stand my wife, who loves her, and any attempt at contact is met with full frontal attack and vicious use of her front teeth. On the other hand I, who never wanted her at all, am adored and trusted. She will take food from my fingers and lets me stroke her. My wife, meanwhile, has to suffer the trauma of rodent rejection.

I won't actually tag anyone, but anyone who wants to have a go, please feel free!

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