I always enjoy looking round the Thursday Thirteens every week, to see what lists my fellow bloggers have come up with. Recently, I have seen a number of them gleefully anticipating winter, cold weather and in particular, snow. Now I have made no secret that I prefer snow to stay away from me, having lived through several cold, Canadian winters in my younger days, and now, in Florida, I am petty well guaranteed to be immune from the stuff. However, I do know there are people who positively adore it. For them and for everyone else, I offer this little piece that I have had tucked away in my “Misc” file on my computer for a few years, after someone (sorry, I forget who) sent it to me.
The Diary of a Snow Shoveller
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to freezing. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry fucking Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
.
LOL That just cracked me up.
This is the first year in my entire life that I won't have to shovel. Oh the joys of apartment living. Well, ok, that's probably the only joy. But underground heated parking is a beautiful thing.
And there's a parking structure at work...so no more ice scraping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: vigilant20 | December 02, 2007 at 01:22 PM
I'm with vigilant20. We live in a condo this year, which has brilliant insulation. Can't even tell it's 15F this morning. The car is snug in underground parking, so I just watch as some other poor schlep shovels...
Posted by: Carrie Lofty | December 02, 2007 at 02:09 PM
Ha Ha Ha!!! I've read and heard this one many time in french!!! It's a good one!!!
White Shit!!! Ha Ha Ha!!!
Posted by: No nonsense girl | December 02, 2007 at 04:00 PM
What is this "snow" of which you speak? And "winter"? Of these I know not. I live in Austin, where right now we are having a cold snap. I might have to wear long sleeves tomorrow. Not quite FL, but almost.
Posted by: Melissa | December 02, 2007 at 11:38 PM
What is this "snow" of which you speak? And "winter"? Of these I know not. I live in Austin, where right now we are having a cold snap. I might have to wear long sleeves tomorrow. Not quite FL, but almost.
Posted by: Melissa | December 02, 2007 at 11:38 PM
Maybe this is where it all went wrong for Jack Torrance of The Shining fame!? If it hadn't been for all that snow...
Posted by: amypalko | December 03, 2007 at 11:21 AM
As one who can currently look out her window at a snowy yard, I can relate to this post too well. I like snow through 1/1 and then wish it would leave, but I am a Cheesehead through and through and could never move elsewhere.
Posted by: Penelope Anne | December 03, 2007 at 01:58 PM
Ha ha ha ha! This remind me of my dad. He hated snow. Bad. We lived in Pennsyslvania and as a child I recall some really long stretches of snowdrifts and stuck cars.
But..... I love it. Yeah, I know, I am one of those buttholes that bask in the brisk cold weather and jumps for joy when it snows. Please don't slap me. :o)
There is a plus side to some of us weirdos. I love to shovel that "white shit" as my fathert so fondly called it. I didn't even care if he paid me or not. I am so strange!
My ex-husband to this day remembers this as one of my good points. Hee hee hee.
This was so funny. Thank you for the laughs.
Wishing you a good week and stay warm!
Posted by: Titania | December 04, 2007 at 09:09 AM
Two weeks ago I would have found this quite hilarious...
But we've had more snow in the past 9 days than I've seen in the 2 years I've lived back in Canada.
My shoulders are aching from the shovelling and I'm seriously going to shop for a snowblower today.
But it's still LOVELY :D
Posted by: Wylie Kinson | December 05, 2007 at 08:46 AM
Fascinating, I just found your blog from your comments at mine. Thank you. I've linked into you by the way. These are hilarious...just hilarious.
Brilliant musings...thank you. Oh by the way, the only reason I got an IPOD is because my CD player broke and hubby went to the store to replace my CD player because I listen tobooks on CD. I did NOT want an IPOD, but my hsuband found the shuffle less expensive than a new CD player. NOW I'M HOOKED...IT'S GREAT FOR MY WORKOUTS!!!
Posted by: Ev Nucci | December 06, 2007 at 08:43 AM
Fascinating, I just found your blog from your comments at mine. Thank you. I've linked into you by the way. These are hilarious...just hilarious.
Brilliant musings...thank you. Oh by the way, the only reason I got an IPOD is because my CD player broke and hubby went to the store to replace my CD player because I listen tobooks on CD. I did NOT want an IPOD, but my hsuband found the shuffle less expensive than a new CD player. NOW I'M HOOKED...IT'S GREAT FOR MY WORKOUTS!!!
Posted by: Ev Nucci | December 06, 2007 at 08:44 AM
That is so close to the truth of my past, I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Next time someone asks why I moved from Utah to SoCal, I will hand them a copy of that!
Posted by: Vixen | December 06, 2007 at 01:34 PM
This is very funny. We rarely get much snow here but when we do I HATE shovelling. We moved in March and I was so pleased to see in contract for the new flat that we don't have to shovel the snow or clean the stairwell - a critical topic in Germany.
All the best.
Btw, I tried to change the comment options but don't think I managed.
Posted by: Kate | December 09, 2007 at 02:21 PM