Tomorrow (if you’re reading this on Wednesday evening) or today (if you’re reading this on Thursday) is my birthday. It is really gratifying to know that everyone in the Untied States will be taking the day off work and gathering together in families to celebrate the occasion -- a great many of them, it seems, have chosen turkey as the top item on the menu for some reason. I’m not sure why, because I am not all that fond of it; give me a roast chicken any day. There’s also something about giving thanks. Because I expect dozens and dozens of people will have chosen a thankful theme for their TTs, I won’t add to that total. Instead, here is something different.
In recent weeks I have read a number of books which, by coincidence, contained accounts of bungling criminals and their failed attempts to commit robberies. There were quite a few of them but here, for your delectation and enjoyment of other people’s incompetence, are summaries of thirteen of them………
.
.
A shoplifter in Yorkshire picked the worst possible time to do a spot of stealing. The department store he chose was hosting a store detectives’ convention.
A burglar in Paris in 1964 felt a bit hungry after all that exhausting looting, so he went to see what he could find in the refrigerator. He found some cheese and expensive water biscuits and a couple of bottles of champagne. After consuming them he felt rather drowsy, as one would, so he went to the bedroom to lie down for a bit. He was found there the next morning, fast asleep, and arrested.
Thieves in Essex, England set out to rob a post office. They dashed into the building wearing stockings over their heads and it was only then that they discovered why no aspiring robbers should make plans using an out of date street guide. The post office had closed 12 years before and the place was now a small corner shop. The thieves grabbed a few coins from the till and fled, watched by a group of laughing customers.
It’s all in the details. A bank robber in Oregon passed a note to a teller that said “Put all the money in a bag.” The teller read it and said “I don’t have a bag.” at which point the robber gave up and ran off.
You can’t always blame the criminals. Sometimes it is the justice system that is at fault. A murder trial in Manitoba was halted by the judge after he discovered that the jury contained not one but two men who were stone deaf and had no idea what was going on, and a man who spoke not a word of English.
You do need to make sure you have the right equipment. Safe breakers in England, intending to cut open a safe, took the wrong equipment and all they succeeded in doing was welding it shut. Not only that but your equipment must be in suitable condition. A man in Scarborough, England decide that his motorcycle crash helmet would be the right thing to wear when doing a spot of store robbery, as the darkened visor would hide his face. Unfortunately for him, he forgot that at some point he had very carefully written his name, Clive Bunyan, in one-inch high letters in gold paint, across the front of the helmet. This was very helpful to the police. And you do have to make sure you do things in the correct order. Gregory L. Cornwell of Pennsylvania went into a bank, shouted that he was robbing it, waved a sawn-off shotgun to show he meant business, threw a canvas bag onto the counter for the cashiers to fill with money, and then put on his face mask. This simple error, that any one of us might make, led to his early arrest.
A bag snatcher from Tulsa, OK, decided to exercise his right to represent himself in court. “Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?” he asked a witness. He was then persuaded to allow a public defender to represent him, but he still ended up behind bars.
Apparently they don’t pay cops enough in Chicago. Two members of the Chicago Police Dept broke into an apartment to see what they could steal. The occupant saw them and was able to identify them by their badge numbers and the license plate of their squad car. They had committed the burglary while on duty and in full uniform.
Two men from Edmonton, Alberta robbed a gas station in Vancouver BC. Being from out of town, they were unfamiliar with their surroundings and after driving round for half an hour they stopped to ask for directions – at the gas station they had just robbed, where a police officer, taking a statement from the night manager, was handily available to arrest them both.
Again, it’s all in the details. A man went into a grocery store in Wandsworth, London and said to the owner, a Mr Razaq: “Give me the money from your till or I will shoot.” Mr Razaq spotted the flaw in the thief’s scheme straight away. “But you don’t have a gun.” he said, at which point the thief abandoned the whole idea and left the premises.
Obviously, safe manufacturers in Denmark know their job. Bank robbers in Munkebo, Denmark tried to blow open a safe in a bank there one night. They used six times as much dynamite as they had planned to, but the safe remained closed and locked. However, the explosion did result in the complete demolition of the bank itself..
Unsuitably named for a criminal, Homer Lawyer of Miami robbed a bank by handing the teller a note demanding money and gave her a canvas bag to fill. He then ran off with his ill gotten loot. The bank manager then discovered that Homer had very helpfully written his name and address on the back of the note.
A robber in Croydon, England came up with a clever plan to rob a supermarket. He wheeled a shopping cart with a few items to the cash desk and the cashier rung them up. They came to £4.50 so the robber handed over a £10.00 note. When the cashier opened the till drawer to make change, the robber reached in and grabbed a fistful of money and ran out of the store. Unfortunately for him, all he had succeeded in stealing was a £5.00 note and 20 pence in coins, so the supermarket actually made a profit of £4.80 on the robbery.
A special mention, for unbounded optimism, for a Nigerian building worker back in the 1960s. He received a pay cheque for £9 and he altered it to £697,000,000,090. He would have been a very rich man but the killjoy bank wouldn’t cash it.
.